writer – emily unfiltered

In the Thick of It: My Name Is…

We consume so much media from self proclaimed experts (and actual experts) who’ve already done the work and made it out on the other side. That advice is often helpful, but sometimes— you just need to hear from someone who’s in the thick of it, still figuring their shit out in real time.

Hi, my name is Emily. I’m not a self proclaimed expert by any means. In fact I’m writing a poetry book on vulnerability and relationships, while still learning what vulnerability looks like. Every day I discover new things about myself, so instead journaling about it, I thought I’d share some of it with you, to better understand relationships and self help.

When you’re struggling, hyper positive, hindsight is 20/20, “you’re going to get through this” content can feel alienating. I’m not a guru, and frankly I have no idea what I’m doing… but maybe holding a mirror up to my own shit, will help you with yours.

Today, I was listening to the Feminine as F*ck podcast with Monica Yates, and she touched on vulnerability versus intimacy in one of her episodes and it hit me like a truck.

I paused for a minute and really thought about how I show intimacy and vulnerability in my relationships, especially with men. I’ve always been the over-sharer type, I’ll tell you my trauma over coffee like it’s a fun facts. I’ve always thought I was being vulnerable, but why don’t I feel closer with someone after sharing what most would consider to be their deepest secrets?

And then it clicked…

I don’t tell my story like I lived it, I tell it like a narrator, not the girl it actually happened to. I often share vulnerable parts of myself without any attachment to the event that transpired. I feel sadness, but like it’s happening to a close friend. I don’t actually sit in my pain, I detach and analyze it from a safe distance.

Like many, I grew up in a household where showing emotion and being raw was met with punishment. I learned how to feel my emotions in the privacy of the bathroom, sobbing my little heart out and washing my face before stepping back out. Because of this, I grew into adulthood learning to show just enough to build relationships but no tools on how to strengthen them.

There’s something deeper there though, I just don’t know what. Mind you, I did just discover this about myself today but I’m determined to figure out the root of my deep seated issues with intimacy. I’ve gone through my life unable to even muster up a hug for my closest friends, and now, as an adult, I build relationships with men and ghost them when sexual expectations surface.

As a woman reconnecting with her feminine energy, this struggle to show and receive intimacy has become much more complicated. On one hand, I’m learning to surrender and embrace my softness; on the other, I’m fighting an internal battle. My feminine energy longs to be nurtured, yet I fear the intimacy that comes with receiving love. The masculine energy that often surrounds me tries to provide security and protection, but it’s hard to let myself receive it in a way that feels safe. Honestly, I often enjoy long distance relationships far more than physical ones because there’s no expectation of being sexually or physically intimate.

The intimacy I crave is the same intimacy I fight tooth and nail when offered to me. Maybe I’m carrying too much emotional baggage around, maybe I have unhealed father wounds, or maybe I’m more in my masculine energy than I even realize.

I don’t have all the answers right now. In fact I’m figuring this all out in real time, but I’m committed to doing the work to shift this and improve my relationship with myself and others. I hope that by sharing this, someone out there feels a little less alone in this whole “figuring out life” thing. And I’d love for you to join me on this new journey of self reflection.

So I’m curious: How do you show up in your own relationships? Are you able to be fully vulnerable? How do you handle intimacy, and what parts scare you? Let’s unpack this together.

No Days Off: Balancing Work and Creativity

Productivity is often viewed as the ultimate measure of success in society. How hard you work, the more valuable you are to society– or so we’re told. Finding balance between rest, productivity and chasing creative passions is a struggle and it doesn’t stop when the workday ends. So how do you keep the fire burning, without burning out?

For me, my “5 to 9 after my 9 to 5” often looks more like my “7 to 11 after my 7 to 7”. It’s 10pm on a Wednesday night and most people are settling down to get in bed after work. Meanwhile, I’m up after my 12 hour shift writing away. From keeping up on my blog, working on my portfolio, and writing my book my day never ends after I clock out.

I remember one night in particular, sitting in front of my laptop well into the witching hour. Rewriting the same sentence over and over again, I wasn’t writing, I was just existing in front of my computer. But, the thought of closing it and going to bed felt like failure. I eventually ended up falling asleep anyways, laptop still opened to my half written blog and after dragging my feet into work a few short hours later, I realized I had to approach the balance between work and creativity differently.

This is a struggle felt by countless other creatives, constant exhaustion, trying to focus time on passion after a long work day, while feeling almost worthless if you set time aside to rest instead of constantly grinding. Between working my full time job and chasing my creative dreams it feels like a never ending cycle of working and striving to be better. The hours I put into writing and creating after my day job aren’t just hobbies– but the foundation of the life I’m building and I know I’m not alone in the struggle.

Rest has become a complicated concept. On one hand, it feels like I’m falling short, watching my goals slip away from me in real time. On the other hand, I know from experience that burnout doesn’t just drain your energy, but the motivation to start again and the passion that fuels the creativity. I’ve tried hustling, working late, and pulling all nighters and I’ve hit the brick wall of burnout more times than I care to admit. But, lately I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that rest might not be the enemy, and instead the secret weapon to prolonged productivity.

Research has shown our ability to function optimally comes from maintaining balance between work, rest, and play. Some things I’ve found helpful in my own life have been incorporating a morning routine, working out, going to bed earlier, and planning out time to be creative more strategically.

I will be the first to admit that inspiration doesn’t come on a schedule, sometimes I still have to decide between losing hours of sleep and not losing my train of thought on an idea for an article. I’m okay with making that sacrifice sometimes. For the most part however, I have to know when to call it a night and truly relax before focusing my attention on anything else. One of the best strategies I’ve found is recording voice memos when an idea hits. I’m able to capture the exact tone and wording I want, without worrying about sleep deprivation warping my thoughts. There have been too many times I’ve thought of something brilliant, convinced I’d be able to remember it in the morning, only to wake up and realize I lost it. This small change has not only improved my writing process, but saved me hours of sleep.

For a long time, I viewed rest as something that had to be earned after the hard work was done, and I still feel this way from time to time. The difference now, between wanting to rest and being burnt out from giving it my all, is I’m able to recognize the warning signs. Instead of powering through, feeling the bright screen burn my eyes I reach for my phone, record a voice message and let it go. The thought will still be there the next morning, and so will I.

Chasing your dreams takes effort, but it also takes wisdom. You can’t build an empire on hope; even the strongest foundations crumble without discipline and self preservation. Learning how to balance your responsibilities, pushing through the lack of motivation, and knowing when to rest is the ultimate guide to success. No one will pull you out of burnout. If you want to succeed, you have to be the one to prioritize both your goals and your well being. This is the most valuable lesson I’ve learned– one I’d pass on to any other creator, entrepreneur, or hustler building their empire. Work hard, rest hard. Your future depends on both.

If I won the lottery…

I think about winning the lottery quite often. To the point where I already have a list of friends, family and charities I’d share my earnings with including the allotted amounts I’d give. Winning a couple hundred million dollars wouldn’t just be life changing for myself, but everyone in my life. It would be the most profound opportunity to give back, provide, and build a magical life.

The first thing I would do is hire a financial attorney to ensure my newfound wealth is properly managed. Creating a will would also be a top priority so I could outline exactly what I want my money to go to even after I pass. Taking care of the legality and logistics of everything immediately would set the foundation for the rest of my journey while I’m still here.

I’ve always imagined sharing my blessings with those who impact my life, even now with considerably less wealth to share; my friends and family are always supported by me. Starting with my parents, my aunt, my cousin, my siblings, and my mom’s best friend who is more like a second mom to me. All of them would receive wealth. From paying off debts to taking care of their futures. My three closest friends, Austin, Trissa, and Kamdynn would also receive a couple million as my biggest form of gratitude for showing kindness and supporting me for so many years. Trissa especially, with an 11 month daughter to care for, her child will be taken care of long after Trissa and I are no longer around.

I would give money to a coworker of mine as well who was the first to support me in my writing. We are on complicated terms but nonetheless he has inspired much of who I’ve become recently. With two young children to care for, I’d want to alleviate the financial burdens of parenthood as much as possible. Regardless of our own personal relationship, I have a great respect for a parent doing the most they can to support their children and I would love to aid him in giving them access to an abundant life of possibly new housing and higher education as they grow older.

For my nieces and nephews; I’d create college funds or, for those who aren’t interested in higher education, funds for future business endeavors. Learning financial management and life skills are invaluable to have as they grow older and essential regardless of their new wealth status. I would give them the world if I could, but I think infinite support, physically and financially while also teaching the gift of remaining humble will be more valuable.

Even my father, who I’m on off and on contact with, would benefit. I’d pay off the house he inherited after his mother passed that he struggles to afford. Knowing the weight of financial struggles first hand, I wouldn’t want that for my father despite the struggles in our relationship. I’d even buy him another house if he didn’t want to stay in his mom’s home. As for my own mom, I’d buy her a new house and her dream car, a 2025 Hyundai Palisade (she’s a simple woman). Like a scene out of a movie, Austin, and Trissa would wake up to new cars in their driveways with huge red bows, before they even knew about my new financial status because they both have struggled with car issues. Austin’s would be equipped with a new sound system of subs in the back, Trissa’s would already have a new carseat in the backseat. Kamdynn already has her dream car, an Audi Q5 so for her I would simply pay it off she would receive gifts in other ways. Such as getting adequate funding at the dream job she already secured as a funeral director. Kamdynn has had more opportunity to make a name for herself than most, at such a young age too, so the most extravagant things I could do to help her would simply be making the life she’s built more manageable.

Above all, I’d finally be in a place where I could adopt my 11 year old niece, who is currently rotting away in the foster system with no support. Giving her a stable and loving home would be my biggest dream. She’d have her own dream room, and consulted on every design choice to make it perfect. Not to mention having access to amazing education, and therapy for the tragedies she’s suffered in her short life.

Once my friends and family were taken care of, I’d turn my focus to giving back. I’d donate to charities and organizations that align with my values, and I’d dedicate resources to improving the lives of children in foster care in my town. This would include providing gifts, toiletries, new clothes, and sponsoring children to increase their chances of being adopted. For other marginalized groups in my community, whether in shelters, parks, or make shift tent cities often referred to as “skid row” I’d personally distribute essential items like toiletries, jackets, blankets, clothes, and food. No one deserves to be left behind, and I’d strive to take care of the communities that tend to receive less support.

I’d revisit my old teachers who inspired me and held me accountable throughout my education, gifting them financial support in their personal lives and fully stocking their classrooms with school supplies. Teachers often give their all to their students without proper resources and out of their own pockets. I dream of giving back to the educators who helped shaped me into who I am.

Finally, on a more personal note I would pay off my current car and treat myself to two vehicles: a Honda Accord, and a fully restored, blacked out 1997 Chevy Tahoe, a car I’ve always dreamed of owning. And yes, it has to be a ’97. I would also invest in real estate and stocks to secure my financial stability in the future. I would invest in myself as a writer, finally finishing the book I’m writing without having to make time in between working and side hustles to make ends meet. With having all the time and money in the world, I would probably finally go to college for English to further establish myself as a writer professionally.

Most importantly, even with my newfound wealth I would continue to live humbly. My goal wouldn’t be to flaunt luxury or “flex” on anybody, but to continue working towards the goals I have now in my current tax bracket while making a difference in the lives of others. Winning the lottery isn’t just about having financial freedom, but the chance to inspire and give back in ways I simply cannot right now. I’d use this opportunity to spread kindness and hope. After all, you can’t take it with you when you pass, might as well make the most of it while you’re here. For me, that means helping. I don’t want my legacy to be measured in dollars, but in lives I’ve touched.

Daily writing prompt

What would you do if you won the lottery?

View all responses

New to blogging !?

what do people even write about in a blog ? few things about me i guess; originally from sacramento, california currently living in the worst city in colorado ugh. im 21 years old, aspiring poet and author and avid scooby doo collector. clearly like clowns, makeup, fashion and typical pop culture junkie as well but the passion lies between pen and paper

Secrets of the floorboards, poem by Emily Adams

Sharing one of my poems featured in my upcoming book “As I Come” by Emily Adams

i was eight years old the first time
i begged god
for silence

between the walls whispering
so loudly, it drowned my own thoughts
the screams of my baby brother
echoing throughout the house
and my fathers anger
creaking the floor board
my mind had come unraveled by age ten
my father was gone, but the floorboards still creak
and somehow my brother hasn’t aged at all
my mother asks me to soothe him
but im afraid id squeeze him too tight

we sat down to eat in the kitchen one night
i placed the baby in his high chair
besides my mother and I,
and he was finally silent—
but cold to the touch.
i thanked my mother for dinner
but she couldn’t speak.
her head hit the table,
and her body followed
i kept eating

and the walls kept whispering
when I was done,
I went to the backyard
and joined my father beneath the sycamore tree
where he looked up at me from the cold ground
I think this was the first time,

we ever understood each other

— Emily Adams, from As I Come “secrets of the floorboards“