diary – emily unfiltered

In the Thick of It: My Name Is…

We consume so much media from self proclaimed experts (and actual experts) who’ve already done the work and made it out on the other side. That advice is often helpful, but sometimes— you just need to hear from someone who’s in the thick of it, still figuring their shit out in real time.

Hi, my name is Emily. I’m not a self proclaimed expert by any means. In fact I’m writing a poetry book on vulnerability and relationships, while still learning what vulnerability looks like. Every day I discover new things about myself, so instead journaling about it, I thought I’d share some of it with you, to better understand relationships and self help.

When you’re struggling, hyper positive, hindsight is 20/20, “you’re going to get through this” content can feel alienating. I’m not a guru, and frankly I have no idea what I’m doing… but maybe holding a mirror up to my own shit, will help you with yours.

Today, I was listening to the Feminine as F*ck podcast with Monica Yates, and she touched on vulnerability versus intimacy in one of her episodes and it hit me like a truck.

I paused for a minute and really thought about how I show intimacy and vulnerability in my relationships, especially with men. I’ve always been the over-sharer type, I’ll tell you my trauma over coffee like it’s a fun facts. I’ve always thought I was being vulnerable, but why don’t I feel closer with someone after sharing what most would consider to be their deepest secrets?

And then it clicked…

I don’t tell my story like I lived it, I tell it like a narrator, not the girl it actually happened to. I often share vulnerable parts of myself without any attachment to the event that transpired. I feel sadness, but like it’s happening to a close friend. I don’t actually sit in my pain, I detach and analyze it from a safe distance.

Like many, I grew up in a household where showing emotion and being raw was met with punishment. I learned how to feel my emotions in the privacy of the bathroom, sobbing my little heart out and washing my face before stepping back out. Because of this, I grew into adulthood learning to show just enough to build relationships but no tools on how to strengthen them.

There’s something deeper there though, I just don’t know what. Mind you, I did just discover this about myself today but I’m determined to figure out the root of my deep seated issues with intimacy. I’ve gone through my life unable to even muster up a hug for my closest friends, and now, as an adult, I build relationships with men and ghost them when sexual expectations surface.

As a woman reconnecting with her feminine energy, this struggle to show and receive intimacy has become much more complicated. On one hand, I’m learning to surrender and embrace my softness; on the other, I’m fighting an internal battle. My feminine energy longs to be nurtured, yet I fear the intimacy that comes with receiving love. The masculine energy that often surrounds me tries to provide security and protection, but it’s hard to let myself receive it in a way that feels safe. Honestly, I often enjoy long distance relationships far more than physical ones because there’s no expectation of being sexually or physically intimate.

The intimacy I crave is the same intimacy I fight tooth and nail when offered to me. Maybe I’m carrying too much emotional baggage around, maybe I have unhealed father wounds, or maybe I’m more in my masculine energy than I even realize.

I don’t have all the answers right now. In fact I’m figuring this all out in real time, but I’m committed to doing the work to shift this and improve my relationship with myself and others. I hope that by sharing this, someone out there feels a little less alone in this whole “figuring out life” thing. And I’d love for you to join me on this new journey of self reflection.

So I’m curious: How do you show up in your own relationships? Are you able to be fully vulnerable? How do you handle intimacy, and what parts scare you? Let’s unpack this together.

No Days Off: Balancing Work and Creativity

Productivity is often viewed as the ultimate measure of success in society. How hard you work, the more valuable you are to society– or so we’re told. Finding balance between rest, productivity and chasing creative passions is a struggle and it doesn’t stop when the workday ends. So how do you keep the fire burning, without burning out?

For me, my “5 to 9 after my 9 to 5” often looks more like my “7 to 11 after my 7 to 7”. It’s 10pm on a Wednesday night and most people are settling down to get in bed after work. Meanwhile, I’m up after my 12 hour shift writing away. From keeping up on my blog, working on my portfolio, and writing my book my day never ends after I clock out.

I remember one night in particular, sitting in front of my laptop well into the witching hour. Rewriting the same sentence over and over again, I wasn’t writing, I was just existing in front of my computer. But, the thought of closing it and going to bed felt like failure. I eventually ended up falling asleep anyways, laptop still opened to my half written blog and after dragging my feet into work a few short hours later, I realized I had to approach the balance between work and creativity differently.

This is a struggle felt by countless other creatives, constant exhaustion, trying to focus time on passion after a long work day, while feeling almost worthless if you set time aside to rest instead of constantly grinding. Between working my full time job and chasing my creative dreams it feels like a never ending cycle of working and striving to be better. The hours I put into writing and creating after my day job aren’t just hobbies– but the foundation of the life I’m building and I know I’m not alone in the struggle.

Rest has become a complicated concept. On one hand, it feels like I’m falling short, watching my goals slip away from me in real time. On the other hand, I know from experience that burnout doesn’t just drain your energy, but the motivation to start again and the passion that fuels the creativity. I’ve tried hustling, working late, and pulling all nighters and I’ve hit the brick wall of burnout more times than I care to admit. But, lately I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that rest might not be the enemy, and instead the secret weapon to prolonged productivity.

Research has shown our ability to function optimally comes from maintaining balance between work, rest, and play. Some things I’ve found helpful in my own life have been incorporating a morning routine, working out, going to bed earlier, and planning out time to be creative more strategically.

I will be the first to admit that inspiration doesn’t come on a schedule, sometimes I still have to decide between losing hours of sleep and not losing my train of thought on an idea for an article. I’m okay with making that sacrifice sometimes. For the most part however, I have to know when to call it a night and truly relax before focusing my attention on anything else. One of the best strategies I’ve found is recording voice memos when an idea hits. I’m able to capture the exact tone and wording I want, without worrying about sleep deprivation warping my thoughts. There have been too many times I’ve thought of something brilliant, convinced I’d be able to remember it in the morning, only to wake up and realize I lost it. This small change has not only improved my writing process, but saved me hours of sleep.

For a long time, I viewed rest as something that had to be earned after the hard work was done, and I still feel this way from time to time. The difference now, between wanting to rest and being burnt out from giving it my all, is I’m able to recognize the warning signs. Instead of powering through, feeling the bright screen burn my eyes I reach for my phone, record a voice message and let it go. The thought will still be there the next morning, and so will I.

Chasing your dreams takes effort, but it also takes wisdom. You can’t build an empire on hope; even the strongest foundations crumble without discipline and self preservation. Learning how to balance your responsibilities, pushing through the lack of motivation, and knowing when to rest is the ultimate guide to success. No one will pull you out of burnout. If you want to succeed, you have to be the one to prioritize both your goals and your well being. This is the most valuable lesson I’ve learned– one I’d pass on to any other creator, entrepreneur, or hustler building their empire. Work hard, rest hard. Your future depends on both.

Secrets of the floorboards, poem by Emily Adams

Sharing one of my poems featured in my upcoming book “As I Come” by Emily Adams

i was eight years old the first time
i begged god
for silence

between the walls whispering
so loudly, it drowned my own thoughts
the screams of my baby brother
echoing throughout the house
and my fathers anger
creaking the floor board
my mind had come unraveled by age ten
my father was gone, but the floorboards still creak
and somehow my brother hasn’t aged at all
my mother asks me to soothe him
but im afraid id squeeze him too tight

we sat down to eat in the kitchen one night
i placed the baby in his high chair
besides my mother and I,
and he was finally silent—
but cold to the touch.
i thanked my mother for dinner
but she couldn’t speak.
her head hit the table,
and her body followed
i kept eating

and the walls kept whispering
when I was done,
I went to the backyard
and joined my father beneath the sycamore tree
where he looked up at me from the cold ground
I think this was the first time,

we ever understood each other

— Emily Adams, from As I Come “secrets of the floorboards“